Teens Think They Know It All

As I witness my 17 year old son growing up at an alarming rate, I realize that everything I’ve been told has come true.


He DOES know everything, or so he thinks!


This spit-fire ball of energy is going to save his money, buy a travel trailer, move to Hawaii, and live the good life.  He has already called to inquire how much it will cost to ship his truck over the open waters.  He did not balk at the $800 price tag but today called to inform me that his new employer deducted $47 from his paycheck for taxes.


“How unfair mom” was his response, to which I replied, “Oh honey, I know – it is tough being a grown up and by the way, make sure to use condoms too or you will really know what it is like to not have any money ”.


This little exchange made me think of all the things that I THOUGHT I knew at his age but when I reflect, I realize that I was just like him.  If I could have a chat with my 17 year old self, here is a list of what I would say:

  1. He is not the one!  He will break your heart into a million pieces and leave you as a single parent.
  2. In fact, dump him now and go out with as many guys as possible and have a great time while you still can.
  3. You will kiss a lot of frogs before your prince comes along.
  4. Sex doesn’t feel good with a condom, but use one anyway.
  5. Your grades DO matter!
  6. Don’t wait to go to college, it is much more difficult when you are 40-something years old.
  7. Those bitches don’t really give a rat’s ass about you.
  8. Exercise regularly now and never stop no matter what.
  9. You will not make $100,000 a year right after high school
  10. You will not even be able to afford a new car for 6 more years so take care of that piece of crap dad got ya. (It really wasn’t a piece of crap, but I sure thought so at the time)
  11. Get breast implants before that new car. Boobs are to be flaunted in your youth and cars until the day you die.
  12. It is okay to fail as long as you learn from it.
  13. Sing in the rain!
  14. Dance in the rain!
  15. Catch raindrops on your tongue
  16. These really are the good ole days!


I’m sure I will think of more once I hit the publish button.


XOXO & E-hugs!




They’re More Than Bell Ringers

If you’re like me, the sound of that irritating bell ringing coming from the doorways of your favorite retail establishments has the ability to send annoying thoughts through your mind. Maybe even a little guilt too! Why guilt you may ask? How many times has that bell ringer looked you in the eye, wished you a Merry Christmas, opened the door for you while enduring the harsh elements outside, and you didn’t put a dime in their bucket? Probably more than you care to report, and that is okay because I was one of them too.

Several years ago when my son was in active addiction I scoured the Internet looking for a rehabilitation facility that wouldn’t cost me my life savings. I found the Salvation Army  (read about the program by clicking on the link) and learned they had several facilities throughout the United States and they didn’t charge a dime.

This program is run strictly off of donations without any government subsidy, now that is amazing!!

Although my son chose a different path, I began to look at the Salvation Army in a much different light. I always put money into their bucket now, with the hopes that a young man or woman will find their way and have a second chance at a better life.

I hope that you will reconsider dropping more than a few coins into their bucket this season, knowing that your money is helping those that truly need it.

(I am in no way affiliated with The Salvation Army, nor have they endorsed this post, but I think it is important to understand that this organization has deep roots with the capability to help those in need).




No stiffy, no problem!

Feminist Rant Against Insurance Company (not for the faint-hearted)

I am a pretty independent woman, countless people would say, “too damn independent”.   But hey, that is how I was raised. I think my mom wanted me to be different and have success by not growing up with the intention of EVER relying on a man (except of course for sex and even then new inventions in the personal satisfaction consumer goods category make it not even necessary. Except those little devices have no feelings and don’t offer emotional support). So that is what I have become… and it has taken a very special man to deal with my exuberant personality.

So…. I had an appointment with my gynecologist and when she asked if I was having relations I replied, “yes but it hurts”.  Thanks to early menopause I have a dry cooter, or the more technical term, “vaginal dryness”. Whatever people, having sex feels like my husband has grown spikes out of his pecker. She prescribed me Estrace  and let me know that this would help greatly. Read about it ladies, you too gents, because if your significant other isn’t experiencing it now, she probably will later.

Anyhoodle, I was excited to fill my prescription and start lubing the cootch in an effort to make hump days more enjoyable. My phone buzzed with an email that the cootch cream was ready for pick up and I buzzed over to Wal-Mart with stars in my eyes. The kind gentleman at the window smiled and said, “That will be $389.46”.   After sharting in my pants, I let him know that he must not have my new insurance card, to which he replied, “This medication is not covered on your insurance”.   (BCBSTX)

I am sure some of you are thinking, “Wow, first world problems”.  And I agree…but we were made to reproduce or at least practice reproducing so for F***’s sake ~ we should all be able to enjoy it.

I really feel sorry for the poor pharmacy tech because I launched some angry words at him. My first question was, “would my insurance cover Viagra”? He simply refused to answer my question! I proceeded to tell this poor young man that it is unfair. When men suffer from a limp pecker they can buy Viagra, Cialis, or whatever else there is now from a street level dealer to remedy the problem (if insurance won’t cover). Women must continue to suffer through the pain or give it up altogether. We all know what happens when we don’t give our lovely hubbies a little playtime, they will find it elsewhere. I asked for my prescription back and decided to put on my detective hat in an effort to find relief.

It took a whole lot of research but I found an online pharmacy operating out of Canada that would fill my prescription. I just had to fax or email the prescription and pay their nominal fee of $46.00 (that includes shipping).


Un-freaking-believable!!! I know, I know, what a scam our US pharmaceutical companies are, right?

Then the box showed up and I knew I was in trouble…… OMG!! (Slovakia?)


This shizz is still sitting in the box. There are no English instructions included and I am afraid if I use too much I will grow a cooter tumor and quite frankly I would rather grin and bear it during the grind.

I highly doubt that the “stiffies” have all the luck, but seriously, I went to great lengths to get this medication and still have no idea what the packaging says or how to use it.  So frustrating.

DAMN INSURANCE COMPANIES!!!  It is my sincere wish that all of you responsible for making these decisions end up with a limp weenie and/or a cooter drier than the Sahara Desert.

Carry on now y’all!

Let’s Catch Up


I started this blog 4 years ago as an outlet or diary if you will for my feelings in dealing with the death of my son. I have not been the best blogger that is for sure but the thought of it is always at the back of my mind.

So let us catch up with one another!

My life has been crazy. I made the decision to go back to school in March of 2013, received my associates degree May of this year, and now I am on track to attain my BS next December (2016) in psychology with a minor in chemical dependency. Now I am wondering…. what the hell was I thinking? Hubs and other family members are convinced that I am continuously psychoanalyzing them. (Well, maybe sometimes when they act like assholes.)

Master D is now in high school with full-blown puberty going on. When the heck did that happen? Right? I awake each morning wondering if my sweet son will emerge from the black hole or perhaps the alien that has recently taken up residence in his cave. I am convinced there is some sort of infestation living beneath the mound of laundry in his closet. How can such a good looking dude with a slew of hot chicks after him not worry about having clean clothes? I simply do not recall my brother living like that. I have found that closing the door to his cave rather than nagging works wonders.

Although I am on Christmas break from school, it is this time of year that I dread so much. As most begin counting the days until the 25th, I begin counting the days until the 26th ~ as the holidays are simply not the same anymore. Although I am not bitter and many do not know or see the pain, I have learned to fake it quite well. (Hollywood, call me!)

I always look forward to a new year though. For me it is a time of renewal and I am not talking resolutions either because I do not make them. I don’t want to set myself up for failure but rather I look for ways I can be a better person and that is what I am looking forward to after the 26th.

I have recently taken up photography and am excited to share some of my pics with you guys.  Follow me on instagram to see them ~ @ctollen

Thanks to those that have reached out to me over the last few months to check in, I have not taken much of a break.



Death Doesn’t Always Breed Bitterness (My New Journey)




It has been almost two years since my son died and I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my purpose and where my life should be headed.  It seems to me that life changing events force us to re-evaluate our lives.  The time I spent reflecting was almost depressing, as I realized that I wanted to do something different with my life and I couldn’t figure it out.  Then I’d get upset when no one else could tell me either.  Who was I kidding?  No one is going to tell me what direction to take in my personal life.  (well… except maybe my mother in law, but I didn’t ask her advice)

It finally hit me one night in Alanon as I was having a conversation with another parent whose son is headed in the same direction mine was.  The addiction monster had taken hold of this lady’s precious son, just like he did mine.  We talked for a long time, and then it hit me!!  I must go back to school……..

I cannot believe it!  school?  I am 42 years old!  Well that is what I am doing, I have been back in college since the  beginning of this year.  I have chosen social work as my degree with a concentration in chemical dependency.

Although my son took his life, in return I received a gift.  I have found my purpose; give unto others and hopefully save someone’s child in the process.  My son was a beautiful gift from above and I treasure every moment I had with him; his eternal gift will be the families I assist.

I could choose to be bitter about my situation but instead I have tried to reinforce with something positive.  Pretty deep huh?





Photo credit: paul bica / Foter / CC BY

It’s Great To Know I’ve Been Missed


Life sure does have some ups and downs; just make a plan and God will see to it that the plan had better be HIS plan.   I spent six months living in small town USA which I thought was great for the family, turns out that wasn’t supposed to be MY plan.   I really enjoyed my short time living in small town USA.  I met some great friends, the school was nothing short of amazing and Master D was thriving.  But… all good things must come to an end.  We are back and I am actually happy to be back.

In my absence from my hometown I also managed to be absent from this blog.  I am still not sure why I chose not to blog about my adventures.  However; I have received numerous emails and messages from ya’ll (my readers).  I really had no idea that I had touched so many lives by just writing about my own.  It is a great feeling to know that my personal struggles have touched so many of you and that we are all in this together.

I have begun a new journey in my life, one that I feel will help to heal my soul.  I am excited to share but not just yet.  That post is in the works.  In the meantime…. thank you again for reaching out to me during my absence.  (thinking my neon picket fence may soon be hot pink)

Is It That Hard To Say I Love You?



 Those are words that are spoken numerous times each and everyday.  Sometimes they are very difficult words to say and sometimes I feel they are misused and/or abused.

My son has a very hard time with these words, always has.  It is hurtful that he only tells us he loves on holidays,  however he shows his love in other ways.  Hugs for no reason and clinging to the hug for an incredibly looooooong time are ways he shows his love;  and I suppose we have just learned that this is the way he is.  I hope he overcomes this before falling in love with Mrs. Right.

Tonight he is mad at me because I held his iPad cable hostage for a simple, “I love you” statement.  He refused to say it,  telling me it is not my birthday or Christmas.  Really?  Well, I guess you don’t want your cable back then?  (of course this was in a joking manner)  We began running through the house wrestling, laughing, and carrying on.  I suppose the fun went too far, the hormones kicked in (he’s almost 14) because all of a sudden he got very quiet and calmly said, “Give it back to me”.  Well by this time I had managed to shove it in the couch during our wrestling match.  When he didn’t see it in my hand, along came the temper tantrum.

Holy Mother Of Pearl!!!!  Seriously?   I would have accepted it in a text message…….