I began my blogging journey with the intent of simply journaling my grief journey, unaware of the connections I would make, and how many other parents were struggling like me. It is very comforting to know that we are never truly alone although we often think so.
Suicide survivors are a special breed! We band together whether it is over coffee, lunch, or even right here on the blogosphere. I am always amazed at the strength of others and then I look back and realize that I too was strong – I just didn’t know it at the time.
I have not been the best blogger over the last few years but I have spent much of my time soul searching and going to college full time. It seems like yesterday I re-entered college and other days it seems like a lifetime ago. I will be graduating in three weeks with my bachelor of science in psychology and a chemical dependency minor. I am so proud!!
I went to school to learn about drugs, substance abusers, and why they do what they do. I wanted to understand why my son resorted to using every drug known to man and why he chose to kill himself. As I devoured every word in every textbook looking for answers to my situation, I really didn’t learn a damn thing about my son. I’m not sure what the heck I was expecting, like his name would be within the pages of the textbook stating something like:
“Hey Mom, I chose to shoot heroin to numb my pain”. Well folks, that just didn’t happen!
I did however learn about human behavior, pharmacology of all the drugs he did, how to deal with someone that might be suicidal, how to screen people with potential substance abuse disorders, and many other useful psychological “things” that I’m sure will be helpful to me throughout the rest of my life.
Aside from academics, there is a plethora of things I learned about myself. I learned to have confidence, not the kind of confidence that one exudes when walking into a bar on Friday night but confidence to be who I really am. I earned confidence in my writing. I love to write and I never felt confident because I felt one must have a degree to write well. That is false! I learned to write academically, which I do NOT enjoy – but it has given me confidence to now write creatively and I am excited as hell to flex that muscle.
Bear with me as I finish my last three weeks of school and then I intend to get back to my regularly scheduled programming.
XOXO and E-hugs!!
PS: I would love shamelessly plug Amazon for their amazing textbook rentals, I would have NEVER been able to afford 1/2 the books without this service. Muah…